Today I feel like sharing 2 letters. One that I worte last night and then the response email to follow.
The content is intimate, and the thoughts are of two separated lovers.
Crazy me, I think its beneficial to post this as it is a futher extension of my thoughts, which normally
I would write in to the post, but this way you, and I have a better understanding of where Im coming from....
who knows,,,,,, so on with the post.. :)
************************************************************************************************************************************
Just wanted to say how much I truly miss you, we dont talk as often as I'd like but I never know
whats going on with you, I know I still often dominate a conversation but when I ask you whats
up I still dont know really how your doing or what might be new or exciting with you. I have been
feeling funny lately most likely due to the knowledge and sight of my birth mother and her life,
and her voice, etc. But I always write, even if its a quick message to your cell phone.
I so dont know whether im bugging you or your tired of it, or you want me to stop, or should I continue.
I love you, still. Your often all I think about when im lonley or need some one to share somehting with,
when i sleep at night i still say good night to you and when i sleep i dream that your there while im
clutched to my pillow... My life sure isnt how I planned it and though no one ever promised it would be
I had higher expectations on the outcome of moving here. This I think we all know by now. The wages
suck, the job market is crap. Its rougher than I thought living without you. April 10th is going to be here
soon enough and I still feel like I cant live without you... i feel lost in a way. I have had the chance to
open myself up to the world and myself. learned to express in many different ways, and have started
writing on a daily basis, not only to share but to learn from what I write and what i think and where I
might have been coming from when I write. So the spiritual growth and lessons in patience have been
incredible, so all is not entirely hopeless. Living here with mom again is still quite trying at times,
which makes me miss your family and mother, they seem more stable in certain aspects. Laura has
the manipulation and control of Tera and Bailey, whether its what she wants or not it has affected the
distance between her and her friends as im not alone in my point of view after spending some time with
her friends and discussing the situation. So the lack of her in my life is trying as well. My relationship
with Liz still has its moments as I would expect any roomie situation would be..... but overall its improving.
Another lesson for me.... On a more postive side of my opinions I think its great that you have a social life again,
and have friends that love you and spend time with you.. for many years you had a limit on that,
im glad that is different for you. I have taken on a different approach alot of me time, alone, spent in
wonder and learning, reading. Its not too often that im out and about or having company. I often talk
about it but nothing ever happens, im a chicken shit, and I only think of spending time with you, thats
a limit im still comfortable with so thats mine. Still working on making the house more comfotable to
create a more enriching environment to stimulate me and allow me to thrive in some capacity... :) Im
going to be 31 this year with no clue as to what I want to be or become, of course I have high hopes
and apirations, but no money to begin. I get nothing but dis couragement from my family when I think
about school or another career. its not right. Ive said it a hundred times or more and its true I miss my friend.
subject change,
Kira suddenly loves the puppy she had found a playmate, as chance still rarely partakes in physical activity with her.
Its really cool to see the puppy and her go at it. It wears her out and the puppy,, a ball of energy comes back for more
and more. his name has changed again, it went from bodean to boscoe, to tanner. Who knows where the lil pup will
end up, prolly just as confused as the rest of us :) Liz has been on vacation and has only left the house once.
She has got some work done though which is a big help, yesterday she started moving river rocks out front and
helping me with the weeds. tom is coming over saturday to look at the heater. what a putz he has become.
He is so pussy whipped by his woman that she had the nerve to think he was messing around with liz when
he came over here. they apparently have gotten into several arguments over coming here to work and fix stuff.
its going to be 38 tonight, and we have no heat. the furnace lights and the burner kicks on but the fan will only
come on in the cool position, he thinks im a moron when I tell him its not working. Im not a moron. and I dont
care about his bitch issues, I just know I dont like to wake up cold, it makes me grouchy. ha. So lord only
knows how long he'll dick around with fixing that, the gas water heater is putzing out too. We are lucky to get
10 minutes in the shower. He has a money pit starting here. Oh well liz nor I could do this well in an apt,
so we are staying put. Unfortunatley I cant afford to move right now anyway...
Its finally becoming winter here, and its beautiful, the clean crisp morning air and the sunrise of color across
the mountains sure has been pretty. temps topping out at 70 during the day is really pleasant.
i thnk ive officially run out of steam here so im going to prep for bed, I need to wash up and brush
let the pups out and hit the sack, I almost forgot I go in earlier on saturday so I cant stay up much later.
well man, youve heard it before and i'll say it again, i hope your well, and Im thinking of you.
I certainly miss you, and I truly love you. Please please drop me a note from time to time just so I dont have to.
Let me know your there, and ok, even if just a one liner.... I'd like that. anything.
If you see your mom this weekend tell her thanks again for the chat last weekend and im glad she
had a good time gambling. Its always nice to hear from her. give her a hug for me when you see her next.
Talk to you later,
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
response email
hey man!
haven't been much on writing anyone....
been very selfabsorbed lately! and i need that! also have had issues to deal with here!
seems like there are issues all over at this time! but muddleing thru them as i do, by keeping
to myself and being introspective and paying close attention to those little corners of life that we choose to take!
the lawyer next to dad's made an offer on his place....... $25,000 is all he wants to give us for it..LOL.....
we aren't even going to respond to that! so i'm back to square one, as i was a 2 years ago! don't know
what i'm goin to do, don't want to live at len's forever!!!! have had thoughts of taking the house over again,
but i don't want to do it on my own! its too big, and my business is still a little up and down.... plus loans
to fix it up, and loans to pay off rob and lisa! i just don't know yet..
still have too much going on here to just leave... i really want to take over hollywood pics when barb retire's,,
,so i have to stay here to do that... still have mixed feelings on the area, but its the same all over the country...
also i want to be set up next spring to offer carol crawford a place to come and stay and get a hip replacement
and let me help her get on her feet again... but don't know how that will play out yet!!!
most of the time you don't bug me.... sometimes you get too needy and i'm not goin there again....
if its a day or two, no big deal, but when it goes past that there is a patteren and a problem!
last summer when you where here for the wedding, and we got along so well... then you went back,
and again everything became about you! and it seemed to be the same old story! what would you do?
i still hold to my guns, that if you want to be here, you will make it happen without my influence.
as i never have, i can't promise you anything will work, or be a ok... that takes two! my half and your half!
i know myself well, and i don't want to get you caught up and stuff i can';t deal with.. ie.....
a selfish relationship! it would be awesome to have you here again, and in my life, but if its all for you,
it wouldn't work!
have thought about sending you money to move back, but then that gets into stuff like.....
how would it affect you and your mom's relation... is it what you really want....ect........
it seems, when we talk, you still go to that insecure place and you get funny! what can be done with that?
i don't want to take care of you and your feelings again. if your here i want,
as i have always wanted, to share and give and take,, like my little mind says it should be!
your getting some great lessons living with liz........ i couldn't have asked for anything better....
oh sorry, did i say that out loud!! LOL
so i keep this blind faith that all is as it should be.. no matter if its what i want or not!
on that note...............
i still think about you all the time also, but as you know me, i have to keep centered.
talk to you soon.
love and miss you
************************************************************************************************************************************
there ya go, click that little COMMENTS button and send me your thoughts. Its all good.
So dont hold back. Love to all~ me
November 16, 2002
Today I feel like sharing 2 letters. One that I worte last night and then the response email to follow.
The content is intimate, and the thoughts are of two separated lovers. Crazy me, I think its beneficial to post this as it is a futher extension of my thoughts, which normally I would write in to the post, but this way you, and I have a better understanding of where Im coming from.... who knows,,,,,, so on with the post.. :)
************************************************************************************************************************************
Just wanted to say how much I truly miss you, we dont talk as often as I'd like but I never know whats going on with you, I know I still often dominate a conversation but when I ask you whats up I still dont know really how your doing or what might be new or exciting with you. I have been feeling funny lately most likely due to the knowledge and sight of my birth mother and her life, and her voice, etc. But I always write, even if its a quick message to your cell phone.
I so dont know whether im bugging you or your tired of it, or you want me to stop, or should I continue. I love you, still. Your often all I think about when im lonley or need some one to share somehting with, when i sleep at night i still say good night to you and when i sleep i dream that your there while im clutched to my pillow... My life sure isnt how I planned it and though no one ever promised it would be I had higher expectations on the outcome of moving here. This I think we all know by now. The wages suck, the job market is crap. Its rougher than I thought living without you. April 10th is going to be here soon enough and I still feel like I cant live without you... i feel lost in a way. I have had the chance to open myself up to the world and myself. learned to express in many different ways, and have started writing on a daily basis, not only to share but to learn from what I write and what i think and where I might have been coming from when I write. So the spiritual growth and lessons in patience have been incredible, so all is not entirely hopeless. Living here with mom again is still quite trying at times, which makes me miss your family and mother, they seem more stable in certain aspects. Laura has the manipulation and control of Tera and Bailey, whether its what she wants or not it has affected the distance between her and her friends as im not alone in my point of view after spending some time with her friends and discussing the situation. So the lack of her in my life is trying as well. My relationship with Liz still has its moments as I would expect any roomie situation would be..... but overall its improving. Another lesson for me.... On a more postive side of my opinions I think its great that you have a social life again, and have friends that love you and spend time with you.. for many years you had a limit on that, im glad that is different for you. I have taken on a different approach alot of me time, alone, spent in wonder and learning, reading. Its not too often that im out and about or having company. I often talk about it but nothing ever happens, im a chicken shit, and I only think of spending time with you, thats a limit im still comfortable with so thats mine. Still working on making the house more comfotable to create a more enriching environment to stimulate me and allow me to thrive in some capacity... :) Im going to be 31 this year with no clue as to what I want to be or become, of course I have high hopes and apirations, but no money to begin. I get nothing but dis couragement from my family when I think about school or another career. its not right. Ive said it a hundred times or more and its true I miss my friend.
subject change,
Kira suddenly loves the puppy she had found a playmate, as chance still rarely partakes in physical activity with her.
Its really cool to see the puppy and her go at it. It wears her out and the puppy,, a ball of energy comes back for more and more. his name has changed again, it went from bodean to boscoe, to tanner. Who knows where the lil pup will end up, prolly just as confused as the rest of us :) Liz has been on vacation and has only left the house once.
She has got some work done though which is a big help, yesterday she started moving river rocks out front and helping me with the weeds. tom is coming over saturday to look at the heater. what a putz he has become. He is so pussy whipped by his woman that she had the nerve to think he was messing around with liz when he came over here. they apparently have gotten into several arguments over coming here to work and fix stuff. its going to be 38 tonight, and we have no heat. the furnace lights and the burner kicks on but the fan will only come on in the cool position, he thinks im a moron when I tell him its not working. Im not a moron. and I dont care about his bitch issues, I just know I dont like to wake up cold, it makes me grouchy. ha. So lord only knows how long he'll dick around with fixing that, the gas water heater is putzing out too. We are lucky to get 10 minutes in the shower. He has a money pit starting here. Oh well liz nor I could do this well in an apt, so we are staying put. Unfortunatley I cant afford to move right now anyway...
Its finally becoming winter here, and its beautiful, the clean crisp morning air and the sunrise of color across the mountains sure has been pretty. temps topping out at 70 during the day is really pleasant.
i thnk ive officially run out of steam here so im going to prep for bed, I need to wash up and brush let the pups out and hit the sack, I almost forgot I go in earlier on saturday so I cant stay up much later.
well man, youve heard it before and i'll say it again, i hope your well, and Im thinking of you.
I certainly miss you, and I truly love you. Please please drop me a note from time to time just so I dont have to.
Let me know your there, and ok, even if just a one liner.... I'd like that. anything.
If you see your mom this weekend tell her thanks again for the chat last weekend and im glad she had a good time gambling. Its always nice to hear from her. give her a hug for me when you see her next.
Talk to you later,
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
response email
hey man!
haven't been much on writing anyone....
been very selfabsorbed lately! and i need that! also have had issues to deal with here!
seems like there are issues all over at this time! but muddleing thru them as i do, by keeping to myself and being introspective and paying close attention to those little corners of life that we choose to take!
the lawyer next to dad's made an offer on his place....... $25,000 is all he wants to give us for it..LOL..... we aren't even going to respond to that! so i'm back to square one, as i was a 2 years ago! don't know what i'm goin to do, don't want to live at len's forever!!!! have had thoughts of taking the house over again, but i don't want to do it on my own! its too big, and my business is still a little up and down.... plus loans to fix it up, and loans to pay off rob and lisa! i just don't know yet..
still have too much going on here to just leave... i really want to take over hollywood pics when barb retire's,,,so i have to stay here to do that... still have mixed feelings on the area, but its the same all over the country...
also i want to be set up next spring to offer carol crawford a place to come and stay and get a hip replacement and let me help her get on her feet again... but don't know how that will play out yet!!!
most of the time you don't bug me.... sometimes you get too needy and i'm not goin there again.... if its a day or two, no big deal, but when it goes past that there is a patteren and a problem! last summer when you where here for the wedding, and we got along so well... then you went back, and again everything became about you! and it seemed to be the same old story! what would you do?
i still hold to my guns, that if you want to be here, you will make it happen without my influence. as i never have, i can't promise you anything will work, or be a ok... that takes two! my half and your half! i know myself well, and i don't want to get you caught up and stuff i can';t deal with.. ie..... a selfish relationship! it would be awesome to have you here again, and in my life, but if its all for you, it wouldn't work!
have thought about sending you money to move back, but then that gets into stuff like..... how would it affect you and your mom's relation... is it what you really want....ect........
it seems, when we talk, you still go to that insecure place and you get funny! what can be done with that? i don't want to take care of you and your feelings again. if your here i want, as i have always wanted, to share and give and take,, like my little mind says it should be! your getting some great lessons living with liz........ i couldn't have asked for anything better.... oh sorry, did i say that out loud!! LOL
so i keep this blind faith that all is as it should be.. no matter if its what i want or not!
on that note...............
i still think about you all the time also, but as you know me, i have to keep centered.
talk to you soon.
love and miss you
************************************************************************************************************************************
there ya go, click that little COMMENTS button and send me your thoughts. Its all good. So dont hold back. Love to all~ me
The content is intimate, and the thoughts are of two separated lovers. Crazy me, I think its beneficial to post this as it is a futher extension of my thoughts, which normally I would write in to the post, but this way you, and I have a better understanding of where Im coming from.... who knows,,,,,, so on with the post.. :)
************************************************************************************************************************************
Just wanted to say how much I truly miss you, we dont talk as often as I'd like but I never know whats going on with you, I know I still often dominate a conversation but when I ask you whats up I still dont know really how your doing or what might be new or exciting with you. I have been feeling funny lately most likely due to the knowledge and sight of my birth mother and her life, and her voice, etc. But I always write, even if its a quick message to your cell phone.
I so dont know whether im bugging you or your tired of it, or you want me to stop, or should I continue. I love you, still. Your often all I think about when im lonley or need some one to share somehting with, when i sleep at night i still say good night to you and when i sleep i dream that your there while im clutched to my pillow... My life sure isnt how I planned it and though no one ever promised it would be I had higher expectations on the outcome of moving here. This I think we all know by now. The wages suck, the job market is crap. Its rougher than I thought living without you. April 10th is going to be here soon enough and I still feel like I cant live without you... i feel lost in a way. I have had the chance to open myself up to the world and myself. learned to express in many different ways, and have started writing on a daily basis, not only to share but to learn from what I write and what i think and where I might have been coming from when I write. So the spiritual growth and lessons in patience have been incredible, so all is not entirely hopeless. Living here with mom again is still quite trying at times, which makes me miss your family and mother, they seem more stable in certain aspects. Laura has the manipulation and control of Tera and Bailey, whether its what she wants or not it has affected the distance between her and her friends as im not alone in my point of view after spending some time with her friends and discussing the situation. So the lack of her in my life is trying as well. My relationship with Liz still has its moments as I would expect any roomie situation would be..... but overall its improving. Another lesson for me.... On a more postive side of my opinions I think its great that you have a social life again, and have friends that love you and spend time with you.. for many years you had a limit on that, im glad that is different for you. I have taken on a different approach alot of me time, alone, spent in wonder and learning, reading. Its not too often that im out and about or having company. I often talk about it but nothing ever happens, im a chicken shit, and I only think of spending time with you, thats a limit im still comfortable with so thats mine. Still working on making the house more comfotable to create a more enriching environment to stimulate me and allow me to thrive in some capacity... :) Im going to be 31 this year with no clue as to what I want to be or become, of course I have high hopes and apirations, but no money to begin. I get nothing but dis couragement from my family when I think about school or another career. its not right. Ive said it a hundred times or more and its true I miss my friend.
subject change,
Kira suddenly loves the puppy she had found a playmate, as chance still rarely partakes in physical activity with her.
Its really cool to see the puppy and her go at it. It wears her out and the puppy,, a ball of energy comes back for more and more. his name has changed again, it went from bodean to boscoe, to tanner. Who knows where the lil pup will end up, prolly just as confused as the rest of us :) Liz has been on vacation and has only left the house once.
She has got some work done though which is a big help, yesterday she started moving river rocks out front and helping me with the weeds. tom is coming over saturday to look at the heater. what a putz he has become. He is so pussy whipped by his woman that she had the nerve to think he was messing around with liz when he came over here. they apparently have gotten into several arguments over coming here to work and fix stuff. its going to be 38 tonight, and we have no heat. the furnace lights and the burner kicks on but the fan will only come on in the cool position, he thinks im a moron when I tell him its not working. Im not a moron. and I dont care about his bitch issues, I just know I dont like to wake up cold, it makes me grouchy. ha. So lord only knows how long he'll dick around with fixing that, the gas water heater is putzing out too. We are lucky to get 10 minutes in the shower. He has a money pit starting here. Oh well liz nor I could do this well in an apt, so we are staying put. Unfortunatley I cant afford to move right now anyway...
Its finally becoming winter here, and its beautiful, the clean crisp morning air and the sunrise of color across the mountains sure has been pretty. temps topping out at 70 during the day is really pleasant.
i thnk ive officially run out of steam here so im going to prep for bed, I need to wash up and brush let the pups out and hit the sack, I almost forgot I go in earlier on saturday so I cant stay up much later.
well man, youve heard it before and i'll say it again, i hope your well, and Im thinking of you.
I certainly miss you, and I truly love you. Please please drop me a note from time to time just so I dont have to.
Let me know your there, and ok, even if just a one liner.... I'd like that. anything.
If you see your mom this weekend tell her thanks again for the chat last weekend and im glad she had a good time gambling. Its always nice to hear from her. give her a hug for me when you see her next.
Talk to you later,
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
response email
hey man!
haven't been much on writing anyone....
been very selfabsorbed lately! and i need that! also have had issues to deal with here!
seems like there are issues all over at this time! but muddleing thru them as i do, by keeping to myself and being introspective and paying close attention to those little corners of life that we choose to take!
the lawyer next to dad's made an offer on his place....... $25,000 is all he wants to give us for it..LOL..... we aren't even going to respond to that! so i'm back to square one, as i was a 2 years ago! don't know what i'm goin to do, don't want to live at len's forever!!!! have had thoughts of taking the house over again, but i don't want to do it on my own! its too big, and my business is still a little up and down.... plus loans to fix it up, and loans to pay off rob and lisa! i just don't know yet..
still have too much going on here to just leave... i really want to take over hollywood pics when barb retire's,,,so i have to stay here to do that... still have mixed feelings on the area, but its the same all over the country...
also i want to be set up next spring to offer carol crawford a place to come and stay and get a hip replacement and let me help her get on her feet again... but don't know how that will play out yet!!!
most of the time you don't bug me.... sometimes you get too needy and i'm not goin there again.... if its a day or two, no big deal, but when it goes past that there is a patteren and a problem! last summer when you where here for the wedding, and we got along so well... then you went back, and again everything became about you! and it seemed to be the same old story! what would you do?
i still hold to my guns, that if you want to be here, you will make it happen without my influence. as i never have, i can't promise you anything will work, or be a ok... that takes two! my half and your half! i know myself well, and i don't want to get you caught up and stuff i can';t deal with.. ie..... a selfish relationship! it would be awesome to have you here again, and in my life, but if its all for you, it wouldn't work!
have thought about sending you money to move back, but then that gets into stuff like..... how would it affect you and your mom's relation... is it what you really want....ect........
it seems, when we talk, you still go to that insecure place and you get funny! what can be done with that? i don't want to take care of you and your feelings again. if your here i want, as i have always wanted, to share and give and take,, like my little mind says it should be! your getting some great lessons living with liz........ i couldn't have asked for anything better.... oh sorry, did i say that out loud!! LOL
so i keep this blind faith that all is as it should be.. no matter if its what i want or not!
on that note...............
i still think about you all the time also, but as you know me, i have to keep centered.
talk to you soon.
love and miss you
************************************************************************************************************************************
there ya go, click that little COMMENTS button and send me your thoughts. Its all good. So dont hold back. Love to all~ me
November 14, 2002
So,
Tonight I have a reference to my youth to share, as well as a story I'd like feedback on....... let me know what you think......
Heres my story,
One day ummm, after about a 3 weeks of living with Rich, I get a call from my mother, (adopted...BTW) She says can you please come over I need to talk to you, (the tone was clear) I knew right away she wanted to know the answer to the question..... "are you gay?" So, I show up at my moms house, she is sitting in a rocker in the middle of the room, tells me to sit down. Her first question, "Chris, are you questioning your sexuality?" I knew this day would come, I bit the bullet, "no, I am not, I am gay, and I am in love." Moms reaction was immediate tears, it ended up taking the television show called 90210 and her friends to bring her around. My sister Melissa was the first to accept me fully, without any reservations. About 3 years had gone by, she had invited us for holidays, birthdays, etc. We felt welcome but different.
Then I realized each and every time we were together she was distant. Wouldn't even cross the threshold of my door. Standing there waiting for me or talking to me, never entering "our" home. I don't even know where Im headed with this story, but, a new friend, has entered the "coming out to family" stage.
His name is Michael, he is 18 and still lives at home. His father is the pastor of a Christian church in Tucson. Michael has had the blessing of getting prepared for life at 18 while living at home, saving money, acquiring a car, a job, the beginnings of a young mans life. This evening Michael's parents gave him an ultimatum. Be a straight heterosexual or move out and we keep your car, you lose your job, and your out on the streets. He called me tonight. We work together. He knows he can look to me for wisdom, guidance and the whole been there done that side of life. He asked my opinion and I simply could say, "Michael, you have to do what makes YOU happy." In the end, (death), who is going to be there for you? This we can only imagine, this we plan but do not know. This is something we know in our soul as true, we must look after ourselves. There is no guarantee that someone will be there for you, so live your life for you. And live your life to make You happy, not the other people in your life that think your life should be the way they see it, or their friends or family see fit. Luckily Michael's family will have to go thru this again with 2 other children.
I say luckily because now Michael is not alone. He may feel alone, and that his family has given up on him, but he chooses his own destiny. And his 2 other siblings will have the displeasure of destroying these so called loving Christian parents hopes and dreams of their perfect children that they have raised, what a delusion. I once again do not know where this is leading but I felt so compelled to convey any thoughts I had on this matter. Michael's parents have molded all of their children's lives to make themselves feel good, to portray a certain image of their family, whether true or dishonest. At the expense of the children's true selves. Its a crime that such a sweet, innocent young man in this day and age, should have to bear the burden of such shame and outcast from all that he knows of love. The love of a family, the comfort of a mother, when life just isn't going our way. The guidance of a father, (Hmmm, a pastor at that), what guidance can come from this, IM sure there is something like faith, or the ability to see that his father is stuck, one of the two.....Its impossible for me to imagine this life, I can only refer to documentaries, and literary works to come close to understanding what a Christian family with a pastor for a father must be like. Such an incredibly sheltered life..... almost restricted from the "real" world. Thus as a gay man, and going thru this similar experience of coming out I do know that Michael is feeling isolated, alone, and unwanted, unrecognized as a normal person. This is most disturbing since we feel this for quite sometime, especially if living in that environment for this long, and having to continue to do so.
So I thought I'd share, and see what you folks think ... any opinions are welcome. Positive or negative, you are all entitled to your say, and I welcome this from you.
I am now becoming so inquisitive to peoples opinions on life and matters of the heart..... so please feel free to share.
I guess I just needed to get some of this out, and relive my experiences.... Share them, learn from them, etc.
Its amazing what this type of writing therapy can evolve into.
Have a great Friday, give Michael's dilemma a thought or 2 throughout your day and we'll have our own little experiment in "faith," that all is as it should be. Love to all ~
Christopher
Tonight I have a reference to my youth to share, as well as a story I'd like feedback on....... let me know what you think......
Heres my story,
One day ummm, after about a 3 weeks of living with Rich, I get a call from my mother, (adopted...BTW) She says can you please come over I need to talk to you, (the tone was clear) I knew right away she wanted to know the answer to the question..... "are you gay?" So, I show up at my moms house, she is sitting in a rocker in the middle of the room, tells me to sit down. Her first question, "Chris, are you questioning your sexuality?" I knew this day would come, I bit the bullet, "no, I am not, I am gay, and I am in love." Moms reaction was immediate tears, it ended up taking the television show called 90210 and her friends to bring her around. My sister Melissa was the first to accept me fully, without any reservations. About 3 years had gone by, she had invited us for holidays, birthdays, etc. We felt welcome but different.
Then I realized each and every time we were together she was distant. Wouldn't even cross the threshold of my door. Standing there waiting for me or talking to me, never entering "our" home. I don't even know where Im headed with this story, but, a new friend, has entered the "coming out to family" stage.
His name is Michael, he is 18 and still lives at home. His father is the pastor of a Christian church in Tucson. Michael has had the blessing of getting prepared for life at 18 while living at home, saving money, acquiring a car, a job, the beginnings of a young mans life. This evening Michael's parents gave him an ultimatum. Be a straight heterosexual or move out and we keep your car, you lose your job, and your out on the streets. He called me tonight. We work together. He knows he can look to me for wisdom, guidance and the whole been there done that side of life. He asked my opinion and I simply could say, "Michael, you have to do what makes YOU happy." In the end, (death), who is going to be there for you? This we can only imagine, this we plan but do not know. This is something we know in our soul as true, we must look after ourselves. There is no guarantee that someone will be there for you, so live your life for you. And live your life to make You happy, not the other people in your life that think your life should be the way they see it, or their friends or family see fit. Luckily Michael's family will have to go thru this again with 2 other children.
I say luckily because now Michael is not alone. He may feel alone, and that his family has given up on him, but he chooses his own destiny. And his 2 other siblings will have the displeasure of destroying these so called loving Christian parents hopes and dreams of their perfect children that they have raised, what a delusion. I once again do not know where this is leading but I felt so compelled to convey any thoughts I had on this matter. Michael's parents have molded all of their children's lives to make themselves feel good, to portray a certain image of their family, whether true or dishonest. At the expense of the children's true selves. Its a crime that such a sweet, innocent young man in this day and age, should have to bear the burden of such shame and outcast from all that he knows of love. The love of a family, the comfort of a mother, when life just isn't going our way. The guidance of a father, (Hmmm, a pastor at that), what guidance can come from this, IM sure there is something like faith, or the ability to see that his father is stuck, one of the two.....Its impossible for me to imagine this life, I can only refer to documentaries, and literary works to come close to understanding what a Christian family with a pastor for a father must be like. Such an incredibly sheltered life..... almost restricted from the "real" world. Thus as a gay man, and going thru this similar experience of coming out I do know that Michael is feeling isolated, alone, and unwanted, unrecognized as a normal person. This is most disturbing since we feel this for quite sometime, especially if living in that environment for this long, and having to continue to do so.
So I thought I'd share, and see what you folks think ... any opinions are welcome. Positive or negative, you are all entitled to your say, and I welcome this from you.
I am now becoming so inquisitive to peoples opinions on life and matters of the heart..... so please feel free to share.
I guess I just needed to get some of this out, and relive my experiences.... Share them, learn from them, etc.
Its amazing what this type of writing therapy can evolve into.
Have a great Friday, give Michael's dilemma a thought or 2 throughout your day and we'll have our own little experiment in "faith," that all is as it should be. Love to all ~
Christopher
November 12, 2002
The Adoption
search and discovery ......
I was adopted in 1972, I have known about this since early childhood. When I was 15 I asked the woman I call grandmother to answer some questions for me. However, she could not answer my questions as she did not know. Since the state in which I was born, was a closed adoption state. This means that the records are sealed after the adoption. The names on the birth certificate are altered, and the files are locked away.
So, over the years I paid out donations from friends and loved ones and waited, and waited. Resubmitted to other agencies, by the way one of which took me for $3500 over the years, known as Seekers of the Lost. Then almost 10 years later I was pointed in another direction. right back to the agency where I was adopted from. They had some good suggestions, one of which was the , International Soundex Reunion Registry . So I was contacted by a woman from an agency called .Search Triad named Karen Tinkham from the Phoenix metro area. She had so very many questions for me. One in particular, which adoption agency. So, I provided the information, and to both of our surprise she knew of it.
Then I said, " I know the name of the woman, the social worker." Her name was Shirley Pusey. Karen knew her! Amazing, so Karen asked me to fill out some paperwork she was sending me and then once recieved they would be putting me in contact with Shirley who now is a Certified Intermediary. In one night I accomplished so much , it was amazing, I was overcome with emotions. we talked and talked from that day on, she contacted me to acknowledge reciept of my paperwork and release forms for the courts in Arizona to allow Shirley to access files that remarkably, she prepared almost 28 years before. So moving forward-
Through a few weeks of correspondance (snail mail) we finally were approved by the courts to access information.
Upon accessing the files Shirley had some stumbling blocks. Once she found my mothers name
she then started to locate her using several methods, last known address, telephone or utility companies etc. But she could not locate her. This indicated that she has married, no big surprise... after about a month, I got a call one night and Shirley went on with this depressing story of no success that ended with "I finally found her"- whew! i told Shirley you had me in tears, leading m,e to believe you found nothing with this long story of your search... she laughed and then began to explain what she had learned.
Seems that Shirley was preparing me for the results.
Well with much disapointment I was 1 year too late to meet my mother who had died due to complications from Hepatitis. I was informed of a half sister named Natalie who was 14 at the time of the search. My birth mother spent her life with her step-father Ronaldo Corral. They lived and currently live in Phoenix. My mothers name was Ilona. She was 23 when she gave birth to me, and gave me up for adoption for good reason. I was a love child of the 70's and she was going thru the late 60's experimenting with drugs and alcohol. One drug she became addicted to was Heroin. Thus the contraction of Hepatitis, which led to her death. Natalie and I have different fathers and its been said that Natalie knows my birth mothers highschool friends and they know of 2 men that could be my father.
I recently spoke to my step grandfather and Natalie and her new full time birth father of 3 years..... had moved with no contact information or forwarding address. This just occured within the last month. Jesus, Mary and Joseph! more obstacles.
So here are the updated facts I recovered during my visit on Sunday-
First of all the resemblence is amazing ! Which I can see in the photo on the left..now I know where my big brown eyes and my big smile come from. I even have her dimples and she has a cleft in her chin, so does Grandmother Irene ~
My Grandmothers maiden name was Irene Lorenz and she died in 1988
Grandfathers name was Dominic Tauro
then Grandmother married again and became Irene Wiley
My mother Ilona, was born in 1949 and died in late 1998
Thru her life she married Gary Wells, Nicolas Pela, and then was just living with a man named Jimmy Burns, they then had Natalie my sister born in Oct,1985.
My possible Fathers last names are Metzger or Stout.
I had an amazing visit, so much information,
learned that my mother was able to see me about 5 times before all the paperwork was complete, over about 4 days. As well as she often mentioned me and attempted several times to locate but had no idea where to begin.
Natalie was also informed of my find, 2 years ago, but to this day we still have not spoken. I will begin my search for her and Jimmie Burns.
So not quite sure what else to share, ~~~~ It was alot to take in, thats for sure, and for the next 2 days I had been in another place so to speak.
Just a bit disconnected from the world.... took the rest of the day off at work Monday and was only excused until 7pm. At noon I went to my adopted mothers house and shared all of this information, I forgot to back to work from 7 to 8. I have no idea what to expect tomorrow....... however my boss was aware of why I was leaving and she also recommended it since I was not focused at all. She was excited as I shared my photos with her.
So maybe I still have my job, I hope so :)
Have a great day all!!! I hope this answers some questions, it certainly did for me ............
search and discovery ......
I was adopted in 1972, I have known about this since early childhood. When I was 15 I asked the woman I call grandmother to answer some questions for me. However, she could not answer my questions as she did not know. Since the state in which I was born, was a closed adoption state. This means that the records are sealed after the adoption. The names on the birth certificate are altered, and the files are locked away.
So, over the years I paid out donations from friends and loved ones and waited, and waited. Resubmitted to other agencies, by the way one of which took me for $3500 over the years, known as Seekers of the Lost. Then almost 10 years later I was pointed in another direction. right back to the agency where I was adopted from. They had some good suggestions, one of which was the , International Soundex Reunion Registry . So I was contacted by a woman from an agency called .Search Triad named Karen Tinkham from the Phoenix metro area. She had so very many questions for me. One in particular, which adoption agency. So, I provided the information, and to both of our surprise she knew of it.
Then I said, " I know the name of the woman, the social worker." Her name was Shirley Pusey. Karen knew her! Amazing, so Karen asked me to fill out some paperwork she was sending me and then once recieved they would be putting me in contact with Shirley who now is a Certified Intermediary. In one night I accomplished so much , it was amazing, I was overcome with emotions. we talked and talked from that day on, she contacted me to acknowledge reciept of my paperwork and release forms for the courts in Arizona to allow Shirley to access files that remarkably, she prepared almost 28 years before. So moving forward-
Through a few weeks of correspondance (snail mail) we finally were approved by the courts to access information.
Upon accessing the files Shirley had some stumbling blocks. Once she found my mothers name
she then started to locate her using several methods, last known address, telephone or utility companies etc. But she could not locate her. This indicated that she has married, no big surprise... after about a month, I got a call one night and Shirley went on with this depressing story of no success that ended with "I finally found her"- whew! i told Shirley you had me in tears, leading m,e to believe you found nothing with this long story of your search... she laughed and then began to explain what she had learned.
Seems that Shirley was preparing me for the results.
Well with much disapointment I was 1 year too late to meet my mother who had died due to complications from Hepatitis. I was informed of a half sister named Natalie who was 14 at the time of the search. My birth mother spent her life with her step-father Ronaldo Corral. They lived and currently live in Phoenix. My mothers name was Ilona. She was 23 when she gave birth to me, and gave me up for adoption for good reason. I was a love child of the 70's and she was going thru the late 60's experimenting with drugs and alcohol. One drug she became addicted to was Heroin. Thus the contraction of Hepatitis, which led to her death. Natalie and I have different fathers and its been said that Natalie knows my birth mothers highschool friends and they know of 2 men that could be my father.
I recently spoke to my step grandfather and Natalie and her new full time birth father of 3 years..... had moved with no contact information or forwarding address. This just occured within the last month. Jesus, Mary and Joseph! more obstacles.
So here are the updated facts I recovered during my visit on Sunday-
First of all the resemblence is amazing ! Which I can see in the photo on the left..now I know where my big brown eyes and my big smile come from. I even have her dimples and she has a cleft in her chin, so does Grandmother Irene ~
My Grandmothers maiden name was Irene Lorenz and she died in 1988
Grandfathers name was Dominic Tauro
then Grandmother married again and became Irene Wiley
My mother Ilona, was born in 1949 and died in late 1998
Thru her life she married Gary Wells, Nicolas Pela, and then was just living with a man named Jimmy Burns, they then had Natalie my sister born in Oct,1985.
My possible Fathers last names are Metzger or Stout.
I had an amazing visit, so much information,
learned that my mother was able to see me about 5 times before all the paperwork was complete, over about 4 days. As well as she often mentioned me and attempted several times to locate but had no idea where to begin.
Natalie was also informed of my find, 2 years ago, but to this day we still have not spoken. I will begin my search for her and Jimmie Burns.
So not quite sure what else to share, ~~~~ It was alot to take in, thats for sure, and for the next 2 days I had been in another place so to speak.
Just a bit disconnected from the world.... took the rest of the day off at work Monday and was only excused until 7pm. At noon I went to my adopted mothers house and shared all of this information, I forgot to back to work from 7 to 8. I have no idea what to expect tomorrow....... however my boss was aware of why I was leaving and she also recommended it since I was not focused at all. She was excited as I shared my photos with her.
So maybe I still have my job, I hope so :)
Have a great day all!!! I hope this answers some questions, it certainly did for me ............
Good Morning! I hope to post a real update sometime later today, -
DSL line is down, Qwest was across the street yesterday servicing the telephone box that connects the neighborhood, no idea what they have done but my phone line is out! Work order to be completed by 8 pm tonight.
I'll be back later today~ me
DSL line is down, Qwest was across the street yesterday servicing the telephone box that connects the neighborhood, no idea what they have done but my phone line is out! Work order to be completed by 8 pm tonight.
I'll be back later today~ me
November 11, 2002
Interesting information to share-
(Nov. 11 ) - Losses from the weekend's heavy thunderstorms and tornadoes:
ALABAMA: At least 10 dead, 50 injured. Damage heaviest in Walker County in the northern part of the state, where nine died.
GEORGIA: Heavy damage in Pickens County north of Atlanta; at least seven injured.
ILLINOIS: Two possible tornadoes touch down in southern Illinois; no damage reported.
INDIANA: Three people injured when winds partially collapse a supermarket in Blackford County in east-central Indiana.
KENTUCKY: Scattered damage across state; no injuries reported.
LOUISIANA: Heavy rain in southeastern Louisiana.
MISSISSIPPI: One man killed in Lowndes County in east-central Mississippi; about 30 injured.
NORTH CAROLINA: Thousands without power in mountain counties; storms pack wind of up to 50 mph.
OHIO: At least five dead, 21 injured. Damage heaviest in Van Wert County in northwestern Ohio.
PENNSYLVANIA: One man killed, up to 19 people injured, in Mercer County in western Pennsylvania.
SOUTH CAROLINA: Power outages and reported tornado touchdown in Greenwood County.
TENNESSEE: At least 16 dead, 55 injured. Damage heaviest in rural eastern Tennessee town of Mossy Grove, where seven died and 45 were unaccounted for.
WEST VIRGINIA: Six trailer homes destroyed in Jackson County but no one seriously hurt.
(Nov. 11 ) - Losses from the weekend's heavy thunderstorms and tornadoes:
ALABAMA: At least 10 dead, 50 injured. Damage heaviest in Walker County in the northern part of the state, where nine died.
GEORGIA: Heavy damage in Pickens County north of Atlanta; at least seven injured.
ILLINOIS: Two possible tornadoes touch down in southern Illinois; no damage reported.
INDIANA: Three people injured when winds partially collapse a supermarket in Blackford County in east-central Indiana.
KENTUCKY: Scattered damage across state; no injuries reported.
LOUISIANA: Heavy rain in southeastern Louisiana.
MISSISSIPPI: One man killed in Lowndes County in east-central Mississippi; about 30 injured.
NORTH CAROLINA: Thousands without power in mountain counties; storms pack wind of up to 50 mph.
OHIO: At least five dead, 21 injured. Damage heaviest in Van Wert County in northwestern Ohio.
PENNSYLVANIA: One man killed, up to 19 people injured, in Mercer County in western Pennsylvania.
SOUTH CAROLINA: Power outages and reported tornado touchdown in Greenwood County.
TENNESSEE: At least 16 dead, 55 injured. Damage heaviest in rural eastern Tennessee town of Mossy Grove, where seven died and 45 were unaccounted for.
WEST VIRGINIA: Six trailer homes destroyed in Jackson County but no one seriously hurt.
November 10, 2002
Good Morning, !
My lord im tired! had a fun night, was asked to go see a movie. Watched 8 MILE with Eminem. It was a very informative story. I enjoyed it. Well im up and its time for coffee and then a shower. Heading to Phoenix in about an hour or so. Im anxious to share, and get home and rest.
Talk to you later........ ~me
My lord im tired! had a fun night, was asked to go see a movie. Watched 8 MILE with Eminem. It was a very informative story. I enjoyed it. Well im up and its time for coffee and then a shower. Heading to Phoenix in about an hour or so. Im anxious to share, and get home and rest.
Talk to you later........ ~me
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